REKT
CUPSEY RAN HIS PORT TO ZERO
"I meant to do that" claims Cupsey after liquidating entire portfolio on a single leveraged shitcoin. Diamond hands turned to dust hands.
CRYPTO CHAOS
CONFIRMED FALSE
ORANGIE OFFICIALLY DECLARED "NOT FAT"
Medical experts bribed to confirm Orangie is actually "big boned" and "cultivating mass." BMI machine reportedly broken.
SHOCKING
MURAD REPORTEDLY LIKES GIRLS
In a stunning turn of events, sources confirm Murad has been spotted talking to women. Community in shambles. "I thought he only loved memecoins" says devastated holder.
MARKET MANIPULATION... ER, NEWS
RIP MEMECOINS
MEMECOINS ARE DEAD - EVERYONE ROTATING TO SELLING POKEMON CARDS
"My Charizard never rugged me" says former degen now running a Pokemon store. Pikachu floor price up 420% this week.
INSIDER TRADING
TRUMP SENDS BTC TO $0 - IMMEDIATELY LOADS 99% OF SUPPLY
"I bought the dip, the biggest dip, maybe ever" says former President while showing Phantom wallet with 19.8M BTC. SEC says "that's fine."
EXPOSED
CUPSEY WAS SECRETLY BEHIND LIBRA MEMECOIN THE WHOLE TIME
Blockchain analysis reveals Cupsey's wallet received 47% of Libra supply. "I have no idea what you're talking about" he says from new yacht.
DEEP STATE SECRETS
CENTED CHANGED HIS NAME TO CENTLER - NOW A DICTATOR
The rebranding was just phase one. Sources confirm Centler now rules a small island nation with an iron fist and mandatory chart readings.
JACK DUVAL DIDN'T BUNDLE RUG COINS
In a shocking twist, evidence suggests Jack was actually buying legitimately. Community refuses to believe. "It's obviously a deeper rug" claims skeptic.
ALON ANNOUNCES MASSIVE AIRDROP
Eligible wallets include: literally everyone except you. Snapshot was taken 3 seconds before you connected. Better luck next time.
SOLPORTTOM MARRIED LILY PHILLIPS - KID NAMED UNIPICS
The crypto power couple's firstborn has already launched 47 memecoins. "We're so proud" says Tom while checking charts during the baby shower.
FINN BAGS MADE ZERO MONEY DURING BAGS CRIME SZN
Despite organizing the entire movement, Finn reportedly forgot to buy any bags. "I was too busy tweeting" he admits from his parents' basement.
ZACHXBT SCAMMED MILLIONS
The hunter becomes the hunted. Plot twist: all those investigations were just cover for the ultimate long con. Trust no one. Not even the trust police.
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